sometimes I think about all of the warning signs. then I think of the signs I believed but talked myself out of it. then I think about how I'm 'supposed' to be. then about how I want to be. then I realized I should just do me. and just take every decision I make/made, with a grain of salt. I didn't do anything wrong. at least, anything out of my power. It's really fucked up how you fucked me up. I let me wall down, and yet another person is there to tear it right back down. so here I am, rebuilding my wall. alone. as usual. I get that everything is a lesson and there is some cosmic reason why we were put into these situations. I take full responsibility for taking action. but at point do I stop trying. I fear that I am so afraid to try something in fear of a situation like this. you are dead to me now. you're a lost treasure I'll never find again. lol@ thinking it came easy. yet, there was no forcing. and, i was still wrong. it's okay. time shall pass, and that batty feeling will pass. I can compare it to a million lost drunk sharp bats floating around in my stomach trying to get set free but the only way to do so is to pry my flesh open inside out or carve a knife with my own hands into my stomach to release them. maybe it's a bit drastic, but hell, it's my living hell. it just s u c k s. I thought you were different.