having a dilemma. really torn up about a stupid situation. things like this never happen to me. and now that it does, I am left feeling like an asshole. as usual, ice queen ma-gee strikes again. it's so stupid how weird things work out. I should let things happen natural. and that's what I've been working on for a couple years now. regarding any relationship [friendship/love potential] in a sense where I do what I think is right for MY mind and MY life. no forcing - no settling etc. just staying true to my morals and what I think is right. as long as I'm okay with the outcome and can admit to it afterwards. so as I just mentioned, I have been doing that. given, most of the time nothing works out, or it's just a lesson for the future, but this one time things could work out. but I'm tied up in something else. and there's no turning back. and now I'm scared and anxious and have bats floating around in my belly. the only thing I can do is be honest. which I am. but who am I being honest too? myself? I hope so. if you have to ask, sometimes you know you're answer before the forced reassurance occurs in your mind. so for now, come what may. MAY IT COME.  I like having this. it helps me put together my farfetched thoughts and angst.

at least the most beautiful flower tree finally blossomed in my front yard.