it's weird when you think out of the so called "box". what is the box? there really is no definition of what a normal life is supposed to be. there is no perfect person - no perfect life - no easy life - nothing comes easy anymore . I've been thinking lately about things like this due to many different encounters with people outside of my "box." It makes you think what really is going on out there. maybe the box is america. maybe it's everyone surrounded, but not in it. I never really thought about how corrupted america is and everyone inside it. imagine being out of our box our entire life, and then looking at the united states of america. we are the bully country. new york is our bully state. we are the biggest assholes out there. we are the ones to fear but us as americans don't pay attention to the things going on outside of our box. we are only concerned with ourselves and nothing more. which is a terrible thing but is a good thing for us. you think maybe it'll catch up to us one day. we've been struck with the bliss of being arrogant. we've been in war for too long. we sacrifice our "pride" for money. our only drive is money. money makes the world go round right? wrong. WE as americans make the world go round. people are too lazy to make a change and get involved in world issues not just our ONE country. I'm one to talk I mean I'm a selfish flower as well. I wish I got more involved in our country and every country for that matter. to absorb the most knowledge as possible. travel the world and see what other places are like. maybe appreciate what we do have. like I was at target and some mum had a trunk that shut automatically? how lazy are we really getting? I'm terrified to think of how technological advanced we are in the most petty ways. I'm sure there's more diseases that need to be cured, more homeless people out of a REAL job, more immigrants we could be shoving out of our country whom are taking our labor work because WE are too lazy to do them ourselves. it's sad once you really think of what we are as a country and how other eyes see us. I'm only one person with one mind and my box is only so big but I think that because our country is so corrupt and our own lives are, that we don't have time to concern ourselves with other peoples problems. as long as we're on top and have food, a roof over our head, maybe a beer at night your children to kiss goodnight - to make it all okay then it really is all just okay. when in fact, it isn't. I want to get more involved in watching the news or reading the paper. which everyone should. knowledge is power - not being feared. it's the simple things. I'm not trying to save the world but maybe we should work on saving ourselves first. our population is 304, 059,724 - ridiculous to think of what percentage of people have knowledge beyond their life. I feel as if we're trying so hard to get by on the daily as individuals to keep our sanity and happiness that it's just not a priority on someone's list. maybe I'm just venting or making an excuse for myself. but it just makes my stomach churn. 

I was recently showed this video and it probably represents 70% of our country:

it's been a really long week/weekend but not in a bad way. things are changing. and I really hope it's for the better. I had a really good talk with my mother last night, sad to say how it was triggered and even sadder it was a bottle of wine deep but we did talk. and I think she has more of a respect for me. or is starting to think outside of the damn box. and I maybe have a greater respect for her. It's just hard to see a parent go through one hospital room after the other. it's like when is enough. how long of being optimistic before it dies out and someone gives up and gives in to their illness. I know I'm starting to give up. but I know I can't. have to be strong for the other person especially when it's your mother. 

I wish I could go back in time to 3 years ago when it was everyday saturday/sunday rituals. dog parks and chicken salad. redroom and redwine. laughing and crying til our stomach hurt or til one of us had our head in the bowl. I miss it. so much I cried my fucking eyeballs out last night. but having someone listen and then another person you actually can relate to on a level I haven't been able to in a while is nice. I feel like people are put through challenges to see how one shall rise above and if you really want it - what you will do to make it work. I mean, I'm young and stubborn as fuck but sometimes ya gotta just let someone in. rather to have loved 10x and get your little heart broken 10x then to have not "loved" at all. come what may and may it come soon. or maybe I'm wearing my rose tinted glasses and just open my own eyes and accept maybe I've come across the most unrealistic realistic.

la de da how did I land such wonderful people life I can relate to on a mental level with my scatter of a mind.