you da fuckin bestttt

I'm in a decently good mood. I found a paycheck that I forgot about while I was cleaning out my wallet? so that's an extra few bucks for bills. my father wrote me a check so I can pay that ticket I got driving into nyc. I got paid yesterday and I made fairly wonderful tips this week. so me being the impulsive person I am, I went to cate's tattoo shop. and threw down $40 and have an appointment the end of august. I'm finally gunna go through with this. I know this is me NOT prioritizing but sometimes I'd just rather suffer for an easy happy escape for myself. I haven't gotten tattooed in over a year and I know I'm just making/writing excuses at this point for my own mind but c'mon I am allowed to treat myself. I mean I'm already in a hole with money what's another few inches below really gunna do. whatever, I am doing it so suck it world.

I was watching 16 and pregnant and I know it's just a stupid reality television show but the finale episode was actually a tear jerker. I could never imagine getting pregnant then deciding to keep the baby and then literally hand it off to another family to start a different life because you couldn't provide a stable one for them. having a baby scares the fuck outta me. like not being able to see my feet? getting to be a xxl? vomiting? everywhere? no thanks. wrap that shit up brotha. Idk.

it's saturday and I am plan less. I stayed in last night. I'm so exhausted all the time. Idk what's wrong with me. I think I'm just so morose towards life that I just don't have any motivation to do anything productive. even though I bitch and moan about it all the time. as I've saying, I just want to start my life. yunno....Idk if other people think the way I do or maybe people outside of the east coast of the united states of america, maybe we're negative? but I say - we're realistic. we might not see the BIG picture as in the world issues outside of america. but we do see. especially about being realistic towards life and people and how brutally honest we are. but at least we are honest. fuck those places where you're cursed with the fake words coming out of even faker people. I'd rather someone tell me they want to spit in my face then have then giggle and smile at me like they're my friend. Idk how people don't see through their fake flesh. maybe they are a status climber maybe they are insecure maybe they are just lonely who the fuck knows. all I know is, existentialism should be practiced worldwide. bring me da best realest creatures.

I'm going to make some tea and try and take a nap. BYE.