8/2/09

fuck me right

im just going to vomit my words starting now. i've never felt to overwelmed. one thing canstike a modd. yes it is a boy. yes it is my fult. yes i should have remained the ice queen feelingless person i usually am. but no. i let someone in. and poof! they are going to be gone in an instant. sweet talk is nice. but actions speak louder than words. things happen for a reason. there are certain signs that i do believe in. you learn from every experience. you are stronger with the low to get to the high. i could talk my mind off in theories. but right now. i just feel hurt. and sad. and alone. yes alone. i never said it before. i feel like im fighting a battle i don't wanna fight anymore. whats to win. who am i fighting. am i fighting mysef? fighting myself to win for myself? what the fuck is right. i dont get anything anymore. im growing up and its scaring the fuck out of me. this is hard enough as it is i don't want to feel how i do. i really think i have some rare brain malfunction. that causes me to stear people farther and farther away from me with my own insecurities. what am i insecure of? getting hurt. being alone. being alone forever. but its funny cause when i do open up and let someone in i think i get vulnerable. or feel it at least. then tense up. and get all weird. then turn into a cunt. then stear them away with my bitchy attitude. i need to work on these things. i dont know how. i lost all my close friends this year. and its just really lonely. they seem happy, but here i am venting to a website that won't even give me advice back. this is what it's come down too. i wish for the best that my mother doesn't die in her hospital bed alone. i worry about going to school and being able to do so in the right mind-set without feeling guilty without trying to help my mother find a new doctor or better care. i work hard but get paid shit. i hate doing hair. i need to retake my hair license. i live in a basement with 2 people whom i don't even know. my mothers boyfriends is a prick who doesnt even help my mother. the tension is starting to become skin pricking. i have so many bills, i can't even begin to think about without my stomach churning. i miss kim. a lot. my bestfriends gone from my life and i have to much "pride" to call her and tell her that because she won't say sorry to me first. my mind is a wreck i can't even begin to clean that out. i want to get my life together. but i have a constant black cloud hovering over my back with only hope of it blowing away. there's only so much one person can handle. without the good you can't appreciate the bad. yada yada yada. its bullshit. sometimes i just wish i could get a fucking break from my so called "life"

1 comments:

thatwasmyveil said...

oh darling, you'll get through it. sounds trite but it's true. being in your twenties is the worst thing ever. definitely the worst decade. someone should make us a how-to survive manual. at least i am careening into my 30s shortly. bah. let's get coffee asap. i miss sitting around the inkwell at night in the summer.