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It's been some time since I've been on this thing. But sometimes life gets so busy you forget to gather your thoughts. it's one of my best qualities, putting things off. tonight I had a brain attack. when it rains, it pours in my life. everything is going wrong. my life is turning upside down. i'm getting more and more down as the days go on. I put on a lovely mask and wear it well, but when it comes down to it. my insides churn every minute with every intake of air. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know why things like this happen to me. I don't deserve any of the shit that's thrown in my face. yeah things don't happen for a reason and yada yada things are all a coincidence. well i'm tired of it. i don't want to deal anymore. i decided that i need to move out. i can't be here anymore. this area is getting toxic to my stability. I need a change. i can't keep living here. i mean, who knows how long thatll be anyway without the house about to go through foreclosure or my mother striking bankruptcy. i hate her. and i can't stand her presence but i feel bad fo her. i feel like i am the mother. i have to take care of her. i need to put her in her place. i wish i could live with my dad. im a terrible daughter. the worst person. i really am. i dont keep in contact with anyone anymore. im not busy. actually i am. but i let relationships go. either by ignoring or having to much pride to get the ones i care about back. i miss my life. i miss a lot. i miss simplicity. i miss myself. i cant find myself anymore. i need to find a new change of scenery. i need to not care about boys and parties. i need to do some serious life prioritizing. i do what i can. but i know that i'm capable of so much more. things are changing. which they are supposed too. ive been basically having eyeballsex with craiglist and apartment hunting in queens and brooklyn. i want a change. i need to make the change for myself. i'm losing myself. i don't know anymore. i need a cigarette.