Start.

The sad part about me never following through with my blog is the fact that I say it over and over again. I guess, when things are down & out, a blog is the easiest thing to vent too. I say it time and time again. One of my new years resolutions is to keep up with this thing more, even if it's once a month. 2011 is on it's way, and I couldn't be more indifferent? I'll be turning 22 in less than two weeks. Twenty-two. that sounds so horrifically old to me. I feel like my brain has surpassed my age, and would love to see some pay off to the efforts I've been putting forth but I know that won't be for some time. problem with that is, when I want it, I want it now. patience patience patience. yada yada yada.

School is going well. I realized that the hardest part of school is finding the motivation to start. I'm taking three classes next semester. I feel so far behind with school/classes that I won't ever reach up to the levels my friends are at. it's somewhat draining and feels pointless to try. but I will stick it through because I made a promise to myself. this is the only way out of mediocre and unstable. I need consistency and stability for my future. there's no way of getting there without a degree. babysteps.

I'm learning time-management. thank you escuela. it's a lot harder than I thought. but now that I have achieved the concept. it's making me a perfectionist. I'm trying not to judge people who have it easier than I, and it's actually working in the psychical/verbal aspects but my brain never stops. sadly, my brain works to fast for my body lately. graceless as a squirrel.

today is christmas eve. BAH HUM BUG. I'm sitting in my living room, alone. all while Bob picks up mom from the hospital. pretty much a huge bummer. but life is such things. I get worried a lot more lately. maybe because I'm getting older, I could only imagine how a parent must feel. my parents friends or their parents or loved ones have been passing a lot. age is taking a toll, and I fear that I will let it get to me. maybe they missed out on doing the things they really wanted to do in life. my professor taught me a new word - musterbation. "A term coined by Albert Ellis to describe the tendency to think that certain things "must" occur or "must" be done." pretty neat term to take with ya. maybe they are starting to musterbate their past decisions. if there's one thing I learned in life - you choose your own fate, it doesn't choose you.