it's time to believe what i say over&over again. maybe ice queen people from my life? do i want to be that girl? no. but then it's like if i do that then that whole what if thing happens. yet it's like, oh no regrets with whatever you do and decisions i do decide to make. so my theory on anything lately has been, 'never force anything and never settle'. easier said then fucking done. i need to accept the nostalgia. i want to start doing more things for myself. but i'm really starting to wonder if i'm ever going to mentally connect with someone as equal to mine. like being completely comfortable with someone is probably the hardest thing i've yet to realize. i am equal to two people in my life. TWO. like that's sickening. i'm starting to doubt a lot. like i need to be put in my place yet put them in their place. but learn and teach in that relationship. if i can't get anything new from someone then it's pointless to have that person in your life. friendship/relationship/whatever. no matter how hard i try i can't seem to rely on fuckin people anymore. i don't know what your morals or what you've been taught as a child but society has gotten worse in my eyes. friends don't look at friends to brag or it be a competition friendship. i don't know whether or not i have a sixth sense? but i'm tired of meeting people that aren't worth my time. or not being able to meet people that are worth my time.

i want out of new jersey.
i need out of new jersey. i've befriended most of the people i thought were worth my time until proven otherwise. isn't it time good things happen to good people? maybe meet good people! okay so i'm rambling about shit negative blahhhablahblahhh. i feel like i can relate to a dallas green song more than i can relate to one of my friends sometimes. it's sickening to say. but i'm just tired of trying for something better. always pushing for something better than the last. never satisfied.

dallas put up two new songs I've never heard: Faithless ; I don't need to know.
most serene.

this weekend cait, sabrina, linnea, jon, steve, julian, rick and myself all went to cait's shore house. we went food shopping. cooked pasta and heated up some smores by the fireplace. had some wine & beer. good talks and better laughs. awoke early to make french toast and coffee then off to the camden aquarium. i pet a shark. he was cute. the seahorses kinda looked sad. so did the penguins. the hippos were huge. we went to the diner and got stared at like we were from another planet. welcome errogant and inbreds please eyeball fuck us some more. i love my friends. they keep the sane in my mind and put together the pieces for everything to make sense. or at least let me know that they're just as a broken coconut as me.