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If I could spill out all of my feelings onto this with it making sense and making it more clear to me in the end, than I will. But as of now, it's impossible. my mind is a wreck. I don't know what to think. I don't know what is on your mind. when there is a lack of communication in a relationship all it leads to is a dead end road. and not the kind of road you would ever expect to lead too or want to end on. or ever even have taken in the first place if knowingly it'd turn out this way. to be so far from someone is hard in itself. so lose consistency and emotion is another battle in itself. I don't know what the problem is. I didn't mean to hurt you or show you my bad side. You have to take the good with the bad and whatever bad may come along, the good should outshine it in the end. sometimes, it's hard for me to melt my ice wall down. for you to melt it and jump in the puddle just hurts. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I don't know how to form the right words to say to make it better. when I have to second guess what to say, when it doesn't feel natural, when I don't feel your sincerity - something is up. I cannot be the only one who feels it. it does take TWO to tengo so that corny ass saying goes. I want to be the ice queen I am so used to being, but in that case I can't. You have affected me like no other. I let me wall down. Don't shoot bullets at the remains. it's just u n f a i r. I am trying, why aren't you? communication is all we have. when physical affection/talking/anything is out of the question. I am sincere in everything I do. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I want only positive for this. I know you're giving up a lot. and I know how much you could lose. but talk to me. why. why. why. I hate this feeling. I like how I can blog and nothing can speak back. I wish there was something I could do to make MYSELF feel better. for now, there is nothing. I am going to take it day by day and not jump to any rash decisions because I am a work in progress. life is a work in progress. me opening myself up to a relationship is so different an scary. I tell you all of this, you don't seem to take it in. In one ear, and out the other. I would never do anything with the intention of hurting you, but I feel like the feeling isn't mutual. I don't want to talk about ending anything because I don't want it to end. I introduced you to MY life. the side that no one gets to see. my father was involved. my mother actually says I am a softer person because of you. I am a strong independent person for all of my life. I don't need this. I never get into these things because of THIS FEELING that could occur. I am hurt. this is not okay. come what may.